Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
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5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.