You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
You Might Also Like
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
This pepper has seen some shit
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.