You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
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Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
do u think theres a butter planet?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
idk flipping houses looks really hard
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?