Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
This is my favorite one of these!
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.