You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
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i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??