My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
The first matador
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”