“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
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I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
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If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
drew a comic about my origin story
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.