H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Skills
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Lmao 🤣
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.