The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?