Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
This sounds bad:
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Investing in beetcoin
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?