playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
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I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
my one true gender
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
this is so top tier i cant
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.