[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Check out the legs on this baby
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*