[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)