What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
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I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim