Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty