Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
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I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled