I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
You Might Also Like
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.