SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
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My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.