i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
You Might Also Like
Me when my alarm goes off
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.