Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
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Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.