Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
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You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.