I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
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A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
#Caturday
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
The little toadstool has spoken.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…