*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.