You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?