[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?