lot going on here, legally speaking.
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How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me