*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.