I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
fly smarter, not harder
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.