Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
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Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.