“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
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You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Real House Wines.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
how long have you had this for?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?