[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
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Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,