I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
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I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Thank you corporation very cool
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.