a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I wanna be friends with this person
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting