Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
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5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?