Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
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My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.