Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.