I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
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peep davidson
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
meanwhile over on facebook
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.