Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
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Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?