*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
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“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.