Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer š³
Bluetick 1: I know š thatās just Twitter though isnāt it š
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending loveā¤ļø
Bluetick 1: ā¤ļø
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fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now itās passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But āspiritually?ā It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend Iām a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Iāve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away Iām rubbing this lamp
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, thatās a lot of cat gifs.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big olā sandwich
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: Thereās also a switch on it so no one will know which way itās supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
So NASA found evidence thereās a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse Iām grabbing my family and weāre bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.