Extremely relatable.
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it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?