Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.