i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Brb my Sims are getting married
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Bring back the McRib
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town