I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
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If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP