I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
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*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever