You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
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Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: