Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
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Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.