Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
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MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas