I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
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Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana