The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
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Posting this on behalf of a friend
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
🙀🙀🙀😹
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Breaking news:
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww